Treatment Planning and Interventions · Desire Discrepancy

The Cycle From Both Sides

Six steps of the cycle, both partners' entries in each, and you decide which is which. Then the intervention targets, and the order you do them in.

What this exercise practises

Holding both columns of the cycle at once, distinguishing surface emotion from the primary emotion the intervention targets, and resisting the frequency agreement that couples usually propose themselves.

Two of the six rows are counterintuitive, and both of them are places where the behaviour you would use to identify a partner belongs to the other one.

Estimated time to complete this exercise: 22 minutes

1The cycle
2The targets
3The order
4Close

Before you begin

How this one works

Six steps of the desire discrepancy cycle. Each step gives you both partners' entries and you decide which one belongs to the higher-desire partner.
All six at once, then one check. Several of them are counterintuitive, and the feedback says why each one is where it is.
Then the intervention targets, sorted to the partner they belong to, and one question about the order you do them in.
Nothing is graded and nothing is recorded. Reloading starts it again.

Desire discrepancy is not a problem of one partner having too much desire and one having too little. It is a relational problem in which the mismatch between the partners’ desire systems creates a dynamic that is self-reinforcing, which is why the cycle is mapped rather than the individuals assessed.

References

  1. Leiblum, S. R. (Ed.). (2010). Treating sexual desire disorders: A clinical casebook. Guilford Press.
  2. Schnarch, D. (1997). Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. W. W. Norton.
  3. Schnarch, D. (2009). Intimacy and desire: Awaken the passion in your relationship. Beaufort Books.
  4. Vowels, L. M., & Mark, K. P. (2020). Partners' desire discrepancy: A mixed-methods investigation. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 46(5), 469–483. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2020.1750505